Trying to recollect my four daze in Asheville, NC is like trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle of a drunken blur, while on mushrooms. But fuck it. Here it goes….
I’ve been to Laugh Your Asheville Off two years before; 2011 and 2012. I love this festival! It was my first out of New York state festival. At that time, that fact meant the Universe to me. Christ man, I remember my first year in the festival, I walked from the Asheville Airport to The Highland Brewery Co. Seventeen miles. I didn’t know it when I initially started out on that trek. I thought it was only 9 miles away. After 8 miles my phone told me it was a mile until my first change of direction. I found out I had another 9 miles to go. So I thought, fuck it, I got the time. Later on during that festival Carl Labove, told me, walking for miles on end is how he prepared for his Tonight Show sets. I’m glad I did it. My set went well and it gave me a good story.Charlie Gerencer, the founder of LYAO, treated me well for the rest of the time I was there. He is the main reason I keep going back.
I showed my ass at every opportunity I could find. I feel that moons aren’t hastaggy as they should be.
11:47 pm • 18 August 2014
I lost in the semi-finals. It’s my fault. My bad.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed in myself right now. I wanted to win The Boston Comedy Festival Stand Up Contest, at the The Comedy Works in Albany, NY. I thought I had it bag. That is most of the reason why I lost.
Last year I came in second place. Ever since then, I have thought to myself, “You like that movie, Rudy. You usually tear at 8 Mile when he finally wins that rap battle. Why not enter this year and win the whole fucking thing. Like those Indians in that Major League film.” On paper, the script seemed ready for the making.
At this moment, I could sit here and write, in detail, the excuses of why I didn’t win. This was lacking, or that was difficult, or the other was unfair. Usually that’s what I would write. Consistently sitting around, rehashing this shitty ol’ story, when none of it matters. And I don’t want to do that. What’s done is in the past and all the better stories that I can create, are in the future.
It’s easy to fall into a depression and to think you’re never gonna be successful at this. It’s easy to start taking the actions of an individual that will never be successful at comedy. It’s easy to write less. It’s easy to get on stage less. It’s easy to drink. A lot. It’s easy to think you’re a loser. It’s easy to not hang out like one should. It’s easy to get caught up on pointless reality TV like a Bar Rescue or a Master Chef. It’s easy to sit around and be jealous of everyone else. It’s easy to ignore the lack of work an individual needs to put in to be successful at this. I mean comedy, itself, is easy. Believing in yourself, that’s hard.
It’s hard work to stay focused on yourself. It’s hard work to stay grounded. It’s hard work to be humble. It’s hard work to be true to yourself. It’s hard work to take advantage of every opportunity. It’s hard to realize that every moment is an opportunity to create your dreams. It’s hard to choose to be happy. It’s all hard work, at first. Then it gets easier, within every moment, with every choice that’s made.
I can’t remember the comic’s name that won it last year. I remember he was a good dude. He was a road dog. He played to the grey hairs. He deserved it.
Good luck to whoever wins tonight. I hope they take full advantage of the opportunity.
I know I am.
4:17 am • 12 July 2014
In an effort to get the original Guns ‘N’ Roses together James Mattern & Tim Warner have created a podcast for all fans that crave one last concert!
Before I say anything I have to give a shout out to Dave Koehler for the logo! He went above and beyond anything I could have hoped for! Amazing work!
I couldn’t be more excited to announce that I’ve got a podcast coming out in early July. James “Maddog” Mattern and I are going to team up for Get in the Ring: A Guns ’N’ Roses Appreciation Podcast on Cave Comedy Radio.
Anyone who knows me knows the impact Guns ’N’ Roses has had on my life. Their music, their story and their attitude are a lot of the reason why I don’t hesitate to tell someone to fuck off, especially when they deserve it.
To most people it makes sense. But to some people, they wonder, why I would do a podcast about G’N’R? James and I both decided to create this podcast with the goal of getting G’N’R together before they, we, or us die.
Counterculture is dead. The internet killed it by making everything mainstream. Everything’s disco and there is no punk. Guns ’N’ Roses is a lost rebellion.They wereTyler Durden, if he knew how to play a G chord. And plus, my dad wouldn’t let go see G’N’R in Rochester, NY, when they were touring with Faith No More and Metallica. He said I was too young. Chronologically speaking maybe. But if he really knew me he would have known I’m an old soul, an 80 year old curmudgeon. I’m not yelling at the kids to get off my lawn. But I am yelling at them to get on my lawn and raise a little hell, like the good ol’ days. You die at the end, stupid!
Every week we’ll discuss different elements of their legendary 6 year career (1986-1993) that seems to have enough stories to fill a 25 year career.
We are going to bring on guests: roadies, people who grew up with them, Stephanie Seymour, authors of books, anyone that has some story with G’N’R and eventually, members of GNR!
I know I can’t change the world but I can at least try to bring Guns ’N’ Roses together one last time.
We want to interact with our audience so make sure to follow Get in the Ring on twitter.
Ive got upcoming shows in NYC, Albany, NY & Asheville, NC.
I dropped in on the 200th Episode of The Roundtable of Gentlemen Give it a listen. We laugh a lot but it’s only because we’re funny.
Be sure to check out my website for all my gigs. We’re not guaranteed forever. So spread the word I think a lot of people take life for granted.
8:45 am • 19 June 2014
A Drunken Rant in the Form of a Blog Vol. 1
I really kinda don’t know how to say this, but Im pretty angry. I’m angry, and I don’t get when other people aren’t. I don’t know what that is but that is definitely a truth. Im angry and I don’t get it when other people… If you, If you honestly observe this world and look at it, talk with people. There are individual things that are beautiful but thats only because, honestly, we really kinda got it good and we’re fucked. We’ve got it good and we’re fucked! That’s the thing, there is no way to reverse the trend other than to blow it up and start all over again. But the people that are involved with how it is are way too powerful to ever have that happen.
Yeah, I’m angry. I need more jokes with this. But like people will say to me, “Hey did you hear about what happened with a Lindsay Lohan? You know that Justin Beiber?….” And all these pop culture type of people and I don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about, I don’t pay attention and I don’t care. It’s not that Im selfish or narcissistic. I just know its not necessary to the equation of life. The equation of life doesn’t involve that. It involves a love of all people and a fucking tolerance for everything. So I try… But I’m pissed doing it. I have little to no hope for humanity, very little hope. I don’t think we give a fuck if it changes. I think there is a huge majority of us who are just loving the party. “Look there’s blow oner there.” But if you knew it was rapists running the party you probably wouldn’t support the fucking party.
Yeah I’m fucking angry and you know what? I’m surprised everyone else isn’t. I’m surprised there aren’t more people that are just fucking pissed. Like, “This sucks. I can’t live to my full human spirit potential. This blows.” My parents told me I could be anything in the world. President of the United States if I wanted to be. That ain’t fucking true at all. And that’s only because we didn’t have enough money. I don’t know. There’s a lot I like about that. The fact that yeah, I’m angry and I’m surprised there aren’t more people that are angry.
I mean sure, they are a lot of people that complain but there’s not a lot of people angry. I don’t think there’s a lot of people willing to put themselves on the line for their cause. I think there’a lot of people that have opinions but there’s not a lot people that stand up for things. There’s a huge difference. I don’t know shit anymore. I don’t know a fucking thing. There was a time in my life when, “Yeah, I get it” But what is there to get? It’s the 2 minute warning. The games over and it’s the 2 minute warning. The only problem is sometimes the 2 minute warning is as long as the fourth quarter.
Maybe I woke up in a bad mood. I like my life and what I would like, is to be able to have a career, having my point of view in a comedic structure. To make a living off of that. Then that’s what I do.That would be a small pubic hair of the American wet dream. If I could somehow pull it off and make it interesting enough, for you. With no mocking, of you. With no… Just… We both agree that it sucks, right? Well, let me put it together in a way where it’s fucking hysterical and we can also tolerate it. What do you say? You hip to that? Hopefully I can get enough people that are hip to that. Maybe people that already have kids. They don’t have the fight in them anymore. Now they got to raise kids and lie to them and tell them, “It gets better.” Tell them, “they can be anything they want to be.” Maybe it’s the people that have somewhat given up and haven’t been able to find a voice. I don’t know.
But I do know it matters. It does matter if we come to a point of understanding that we are all completely connected in every way. That our auras mold together with every thing to be one energy. That this is nothing but an illusion. At the end of the day, you aren’t who you are and I’m not Tim Warner. We’re just fucking 0’s and 1’s. You’re 0’s and 1’s. I’m 0’s and 1’s. We’re all just a computer program created in the future, to figure out who we are and where we came from. We simulate the past in order to find out the information from that time. I don’t know if you call that hope. I don’t know what you call it.
If I could quote Zack De La Rocha of Rage Against the Machine, “You’re anger is a gift.”
Use it right.
8:45 am • 27 May 2014
I’m not on Facebook anymore! I know. It’s sacrilegious, a virtual blasphemy. But, fuck it I never been happier.
I’m not on Facebook anymore! I know. It’s sacrilegious, a virtual blasphemy. It just felt like to me Facebook was like that one friend you’ve always known since high school, that makes racist comments and hate queers, jews, & chinese, basically just a big ball of hate and negativity. But you continue to hang up with this cunthead because you always have. Then one day you say, “You know what? Fuck your energy. I never liked your attitude anyway. The only reason why we’re hanging out is because our parents fucked in the same school district.” So, fuck it I never been happier.
Follow me on Twitter. I seem to only tweet starting when I have a couple in me. That’s the only time I find Twitter fun. Good thing is I’m tipsy more often than not. Its also a time when I am more than likely to reply to your replies.
Follow me on instagram. All of my photos are of 911 pm at night almost every night, unless I’m fucking, blacked out or on hallucinogens. Not only can I not use technology tripping, I don’t understand why we use it.
I’m on linkedIn. I’m not gonna ask you to connect with me on that. People endorse me on there. I don’t really know what it means. But it looks cool when I look at it once every 2 months or so.
Make sure to check out my website for upcoming gigs. You never know when I will get the ambition to come to your town.
I may do a bringer show or 2 in the city to attempt to get into some clubs. So in the meantime spread the word. We all die in the end.
12:01 am • 21 May 2014
I am Tim Warner. I’m not really a comedian as much as I am a funny mother fucker. I haven’t believed in myself in the last few years. I’ve always said, “Comedy is easy. Believing in yourself is hard “ I’m currently finding my confidence at the bottom of a bottle of Budweiser. We all need heroes and we all need stories. I am striving to become the hero of my story.
4:59 am • 13 May 2014
2013: The ProBlogue
I’m finally starting to write a blog, Why not? You can still shape an iron while it’s luke warm. Plus, I’m doing this more for me. So I can have another place on the internet to jerk myself off that isn’t pornhub.com.
I spent New Years the same way I usually do - on a hallucinogen reflecting on my life & envisioning my future, at my favorite comedy venue in New York City – The Creek and The Cave. My Shaman, gave me a couple blotters for Christmas, the same guy who hooked me up and spotted me with my first DMT trip. I prefer mushrooms. I’m not a vegetarian, but I do like my psychedelics organic. I haven’t done acid in 10 years or so. But I figured, why not? My Shaman insured me the trip would be amazing, that’s all the endorsement I need. Hell of a sponsor.
While I was tripping on New Years, one of the thoughts that keep looping in my head, like a hip hop single without a beat, was that according to what we believed about what we interpreted that The Mayans wrote, we weren’t even supposed to be here in 2013! It seemed like this was a year of second chances.
After 3 years of not having a sip of alcohol or a comfortable social interaction, I started drinking again. I got to a point where I stopped giving a shit. I used to be that guy on the Titanic that would run around making sure there were enough life preservers and row boats. Panicking all the time. Stressed out. Everyone ungrateful for my actions. Now I’m on the Titanic holding on to the railing with one hand and a scotch on the rocks in another. Just trying to get the band to play Freebird before it all goes down. “FREEBIRD!!!” We all die in the end, why not have some fun? I came to the realization that I never had to quit drinking, I just had to quit being an asshole, but it’s just easier to blame the booze.
I called my dad for the first time in 2 years. Nothing’s changed. My dad’s still the same. Let’s hope Buffalo can win a Superbowl in the next 20 years.
My relationship with Jaqi came to an end. It was long overdue. We had the worse kind of relationship in New York City, a relationship that ended way before the lease did. It came at the perfect time. I was given the opportunity to shake off the residue of who I became to maintain that relationship and resurrected the person I am, a gladiator in clown shoes.
I quit smoking cigarettes (again) on September 11th I think this time I’m gonna stick to it. If not for my health at least for the tweet next year.
In March, I had my first Montreal audition. I was flat soda. It makes sense. I wanted it for all the wrong reasons. I wanted to prove everybody wrong instead of proving myself right.
Since I felt I had no other way to get stage time, in April, I began a monthly show called Modern Day Philosophers at The Creek and The Cave, in Long Island City. Every month, I have a place within the comedy scene where my brand of comedy has free rein. I co host the show with, one of my favorite performers, Leah Bonnema. We’ve worked with each other for years and we both still have some passion inside us. In our first year, MDP was selected for the 2013 New York Comedy Festival. You should come to MDP one of these months in 2014 or at least tell someone you know in the city that has free time and a need to escape.
In November I was afforded the opportunity to perform at New York Comedy Club. They have asked me back to perform. I used to seat people at this club while I was homeless. They paid me in stage time. Now I perform there almost every Monday. I got another dojo. And I know that’s not air I’m breathing.
When I was homeless I got passed at The Comic Strip by Starla. It was beyond amazing. After my audition, I got the chance to talk with her about comedy for hours. At that point, she was hosting the audition shows for about 17 years. She passed the comics from the 90’s and the ought’s. Starla had an idea of good comedy. She asked me to come back on Mondays. I did. My first Monday I was gonna go on at 12:30am. The audience was comprised of 4 German terrorists that spoke broken english. I was excited and nervous all at the same time. Rick Shapiro walked in and bumped me. No big deal everyones doing five minutes. Rick did twenty. He killed. I followed. I didn’t, for all five minutes. I left and never went back.
On November 26th I auditioned at The Comic Strip, in front of the original owner, Richie Tienken. I arrived late. The comic that hosted doesn’t think to highly of what I do. I was fucked. So I drank. I was last. I was drunk. I brought my beer with me, as if that was my one man platoon going into battle along side me. I gave him my set of that night. I did jokes that I had that I felt that that crowd would have dug. Afterwards Richie talks with each auditioner. I was last. I was really drunk. “Tim you were really great. But you can’t bring a beer with you on stage next time.” Huh? Yeah? What? Ok. No beer. Stage. Great. I passed. A second chance. Very few people get a second chance in life. I don’t plan to fuck this up.
My New Years resolution is to not die in 2014. I’d like to get a wikipedia page before I go.
Please Do Drugs Responsibly. Otherwise you give them a bad rap.
1:09 am • 2 January 2014 • 1 note